Do you have a grandmother who always seems to dominate conversations, belittle others, and take credit for everything?
You may be dealing with a toxic, narcissistic grandmother.
In this article, we’ll explore 17 signs of a narcissistic grandmother and their impact on your family dynamic.
Understanding these traits, you’ll better grasp the situation and learn how to cope.
What does a narcissistic grandmother do?
As a grandparent, your grandmother is someone you likely look up to and cherish memories with. But what happens when your grandmother’s behavior doesn’t align with your expectations of a loving and caring grandparent?
Unfortunately, some grandmothers exhibit traits of narcissism, which can make for a challenging relationship.
What are the signs of a toxic grandparent?
If you suspect your children’s grandmother is narcissistic, there’s a good chance she exhibits the following signs.
#1: She acts as a grandmother only when convenient
The narcissistic grandmother in question only assumes the role of a grandmother when it is convenient for her and disregards her responsibilities when it is not.
When a grandmother acts as a grandparent only when it is convenient for her, she is selective in her involvement and interaction with her grandchildren. This behavior can signify a narcissistic personality. As the grandmother prioritizes her needs and desires above those of her grandchildren
For example, she spends time with her grandchildren only when it serves her purpose, or she can receive praise or admiration. She cancels plans at the last minute or does not show up when expected.
#2: She displays controlling, manipulative behavior
The narcissistic grandmother strongly needs control and manipulates those around her to get what she wants. It often results in her influencing or controlling the actions and decisions of others.
For example, she uses guilt trips, emotional manipulation, or threats to get her way with her grandchildren. She also uses praise and flattery to control their thoughts, feelings, and actions. This behavior can make her grandchildren feel like they are walking on eggshells around her.
#3: She creates stress during holidays and special events
The grandmother often makes holidays and special events difficult and stressful. She may impose unrealistic expectations or cause conflict, making these occasions unpleasant for everyone involved. A grandmother who causes stress during holidays and special events can damper the experience.
She acts dramatically to steal the show and get all the attention, taking the focus away from the joy and happiness of the event.
Holidays and special events are meant to be happy times filled with joy, togetherness, and celebration. Still, when a grandmother causes stress, everyone feels anxious, frustrated, and unhappy.
#4: She is picking favorites
Narcissistic grandmothers may show favoritism among their grandchildren, which can create jealousy and resentment among other grandchildren.
She may lavish attention and gifts on one grandchild while ignoring or criticizing others, creating a sense of favoritism. It can cause tension and conflict among the grandchildren, who may feel they are competing for their grandmother’s attention and affection.
For example, a narcissistic grandmother may constantly brag about one grandchild’s accomplishments while ignoring the achievements of others or may give one grandchild special privileges such as extra pocket money or special outings while treating other grandchildren differently.
#5: She is always right
A grandmother who believes that she is always right can be a toxic presence in the lives of others. This type of behavior is often a hallmark of a narcissistic personality. The narcissistic grandmother prioritizes her own needs and desires above others.
For example, she dismisses the opinions and concerns of others. She insists that her way is the only right way. Becomes defensive or aggressive when others disagree with her.
A narcissistic grandmother believes that her opinions are infallible and anyone who disagrees with her is wrong. She also tends to make statements such as “I know what’s best for you” or “You don’t know anything about raising kids.”
#6: She focuses on herself instead of her grandkids
When a grandmother only focuses on herself, it can make her grandkids feel neglected and unimportant.
For instance, she might only want to talk about herself and not show any interest in her grandkids’ lives. She might try to control events and activities to make them all about her. Rarely show interest in others unless it benefits them in some way (like when they want something from you).
They tend to have little regard for other people’s feelings and often say hurtful things without remorse, even if those comments could damage relationships between family members.
#7: She lacks empathy for others and their feelings
She may refuse to consider the needs or wants of others when making decisions or taking actions that affect them.
This lack of consideration can cause conflicts within the family, particularly with those who have opposing viewpoints or values.
It is important to understand that this is not a personal attack but rather a personality trait that can cause harm to relationships.
How does a narcissist treat their grandchildren?
Are you worried about how a narcissistic grandmother treats you or your children? You’re not alone.
Narcissistic individuals tend to prioritize their own needs and want above those of others, which can damage their relationships, particularly with their grandchildren.
Let’s explore more signs of how narcissists treat their grandchildren and how it can harm them emotionally and mentally.
#8: Exploiting innocence
Narcissistic grandparents often use their grandchildren as a source of narcissistic supply to boost their ego and validation, exploiting their innocence and vulnerability.
It can lead to children feeling used and resentful, as they are being manipulated to benefit the grandparent’s ego rather than for their well-being.
It’s important to recognize this behavior and take steps to protect the children from being emotionally exploited.
#9: Verbal abuse and insults
A narcissistic grandmother verbally abuses their grandchildren, using hurtful words or insults. It can cause damage to their self-esteem and mental well-being.
This type of abuse can be just as harmful as physical abuse and leave long-lasting emotional scars on the children.
#10: Overindulging and spoiling
A narcissistic grandparent may shower their grandchildren with gifts and material possessions, but offer little emotional support or attention. Want to be seen as the “cool” or “fun” grandparent.
However, this overindulgence can come at the cost of genuine emotional support and connection. The grandkids may grow up feeling that they must constantly compete for the grandparent’s attention and approval. Feeling that their worth is tied to what they can provide to their grandparent.
#11: Manipulative behavior
A narcissistic grandparent may use their grandkids to get what they want. She uses the grandkids to get what they want or further their agenda.
For example, they may try to turn the grandkids against their parents or other family members. Use the grandkids to gather information or spy on others. They also try to use the grandkids to manipulate others into doing what they want, or to make themselves look good in front of others.
This behavior can harm the grandkids, as it teaches them to be deceitful and undermines their trust in others.
#12: Unreliability
It is common for a narcissistic grandmother to make grand promises but never follow through on them. Leaving the grandkids feeling let down and unsupported. For example, she makes grand promises to the grandkids, such as taking them on a trip or buying them a special gift, but never follows through.
This type of behavior can be hurtful to the grandkids, who may feel let down and unsupported. The grandkids may also feel that they cannot rely on the grandparent for anything, leading to feelings of abandonment and insecurity.
#13: Gaslighting
The narcissistic grandmother twists the truth or manipulates events, making the grandkids doubt their memories and perceptions. She twists the truth or manipulates events to make the grandkids doubt their own memories and perceptions.
For example, they deny saying or doing something they did or make it seem like the grandkids are remembering things incorrectly.
#14: Domination
A narcissistic grandparent tends to control or micromanage the grandkids’ lives, making decisions without their consent. Control or micromanage the grandkids’ lives, making decisions for them without their consent.
For example, they may dictate what the grandkids should wear, eat, or do or may insist on spending time with them even when the grandkids don’t want to. This type of behavior can be stifling for the grandkids and can prevent them from developing their sense of identity and autonomy.
#15: Enabling bad behavior
It can be challenging when a narcissistic grandmother overlooks or excuses inappropriate behavior from the grandkids. Behaviors such as lying, cheating, or being disrespectful. It can reinforce negative patterns and prevent grandkids from learning from their mistakes.
The grandkids may also feel that they can get away with anything with the grandparent, leading to a lack of accountability and responsibility.
#16: Invalidating feelings
The grandparent dismisses or minimizes the grandkids’ feelings and emotions, telling them they are overly sensitive or that their problems are unimportant.
This behavior can lead the grandkids to believe that their experiences are invalid or that they should not trust their own feelings. It can also prevent the grandkids from developing healthy coping mechanisms and emotional intelligence.
#17: Projecting blame
A narcissistic grandparent blames the grandkids for their mistakes or shortcomings, causing them to internalize guilt and shame.
For example, she blames the grandkids for a failed project or a miscommunication with another family member.
This type of behavior can be damaging to the grandkids’ self-esteem and can lead to feelings of worthlessness and insecurity. It also teaches them to take responsibility for things that are not their fault, which can negatively impact their relationships and personal development in the future.
How to deal with a Narcissistic grandmother?
Dealing with a narcissistic grandmother can be difficult, but some tips may help.
#1: Stand your ground
When dealing with a narcissistic grandmother, it can be easy to get caught up in her drama or let her walk all over you. But it’s important to remember that you deserve respect and to set clear boundaries with her. It could mean letting her know what topics are off-limits or limiting your time with her.
#2: Take care of yourself
Being around a narcissistic grandmother can be mentally and emotionally exhausting, so prioritizing self-care is important. Make sure you’re taking time to recharge, whether through exercise, reading, or just spending time with loved ones who support you.
#3: Don’t get drawn into arguments
Narcissistic people love to argue and engage in power struggles, so it’s important to avoid getting drawn into these types of situations with your grandmother. Try to stay calm, avoid getting defensive or emotional, and instead redirect the conversation or simply remove yourself from the situation if necessary.
#4: Focus on the positive
While dealing with a narcissistic grandmother can be challenging, focus on your relationship’s positive aspects. It could include cherished memories, shared interests, or even small acts of kindness she’s shown you. Focusing on the positive can help you maintain a more balanced perspective.
#5: Don’t try to change her
It’s important to remember that you can’t change someone else’s personality or behavior, and that includes your grandmother. Don’t waste time and energy trying to fix or change her, as this is unlikely to be successful. Instead, focus on managing your own emotions and behaviors.
#6: Don’t take her behavior personally
Narcissistic people often behave in hurtful or selfish ways, but it’s important to remember that these actions are not a reflection of you. Try to avoid internalizing her negative comments or actions and recognize that her behavior results from her insecurities and issues.
#7: Find alternative ways to connect
If spending time with your grandmother feels too much to bear, consider finding alternative ways to connect with her. It could include sending letters or emails, talking on the phone, or even setting up a video call. Finding alternative ways to connect can help you maintain a relationship while also preserving your mental health.
#8: Use “I” statements
Try to use “I” statements when communicating with your grandmother instead of “you” statements. For example, instead of saying, “you always make me feel disrespected,” try saying, “I feel disrespected when you speak to me in that tone.” Using “I” statements can help you express your feelings and concerns in a less confrontational way and may help your grandmother better understand your perspective.
#9: Use humor:
If appropriate, try using humor to diffuse tension and lighten the mood when interacting with your grandmother. A well-timed joke or lighthearted comment can help ease tension and bring some fun to the situation.
#10: Consider breaking contact
If your grandmother’s behavior is seriously affecting your well-being, it may be necessary to consider breaking contact with her. It can be a difficult decision, but it’s important to prioritize your own well-being and mental health. Remember, you don’t have to justify your decision or explain it to others. It’s okay to set boundaries and care for yourself, even if that means ending a relationship.
Final Thoughts
Dealing with a narcissistic grandmother can be an emotionally taxing experience. Her subtle but damaging actions can cause confusion and leave you feeling overwhelmed. It’s understandable to have concerns about leaving your children with her.
However, it’s important to remember that you control the situation, even if it doesn’t feel like it. Narcissists often try to manipulate their victims into feeling powerless, but this is an illusion. You can regain control and feel more empowered by finding solutions rather than dwelling on problems.
Developing effective coping strategies will reduce stress and provide a positive model for your children to handle challenging individuals.
While going No Contact with a narcissistic family member, friend, or partner may be an option for some, this is a complex topic that deserves separate consideration.
